Saturday is the ending of a chapter.
I am excited because I am finally done with college, but I am also terrified. I am terrified because, for the first time in my entire life, I don’t know what is next in my life. Since kindergarten, I have always known there was more school coming, but now I have reached an end of the road. Like many before me, I have found myself in a post-graduate limbo; unsure of which step to take next and unable to turn back.
My blood feels like it is racing all the time. Unrestrained happiness fills my lungs, but it is constantly interrupted by fleeting feelings of sheer panic. What am I going to do with the rest of my life? Should I move away from all of my friends and family? I am not sure whether I want to run forever or hide under my covers from the world.
And so here I am. Sitting on my couch in the middle of a thunderstorm watching the raindrops fall on the window at 4 in the morning (I chose to hide under the blankets for now). The water glistens as the streetlight shines behind it.
I watch as they each drop decidedly flows downward; each taking its own path, but eventually meeting up again at the bottom of the window. Some of the drops flow hard and fast, while others make pauses and changes in direction. Occasionally, they will meet up with the stream of another. Sometimes they will split off. The only thing that can be assured is that they will eventually flow all the way down the glass.
I feel as though I am at the top of the glass, looking down at the endless amount of directions I can take to the bottom, but I don’t know where to start. It worries me that I won’t be able to control where I am going. Will I slide gently down the window or will I go hurtling towards to the bottom? I wonder if the raindrops worry about whether or not their path is how they planned it or if they ever compare themselves to the other raindrops.
And although it scares me that I don’t know what lies ahead, it’s oddly calming to know that the only direction I can go is forward. All I can hope for is that my life has a touch of fluidity as I move forward on my path.
I allow the panic to pass as I take a deep breath and smile. That is a worry for another time. For now, I think I will enjoy the rain as the calming pitter-patter that sends me off to sleep.